And She Didn't Live Happily Ever After...

Today I woke up in a Mexicoma.  I woke up thinking, Did that really happen or was it all a bad dream?

You know there's a problem when your psycho-stalker-ex-boyfriend texts you first thing in the morning on Valentine's Day to wish you a good day and not your ACTUAL boyfriend.

Following the advice of my friend who swears by "The Rules", she told me, "let him plan the date".  I waited all day in my nicest dress for him to plan something romantic, he said he would call after work at 5pm, he called on Mexican time, 6pm, said he was in a cafe with a friend of his and did I want to join them?  No, I don't want to spend Valentine's Day with him and his friend, I was hoping he would have planned something special for the two of us. I told him I liked surprises and was hoping he had planned something romantic for us. He mumbled something about him not really being that "type of guy". He said he needed 2 hours to finish his coffee and get home to shower and then he would come see me and we could go out dancing.  I went out with a girlfriend in the meantime and was almost asleep on her couch by 8pm, still no call from him.  She drove me home.  On the brink of tears, I decided not to stay home alone and sad, I took my dog and went to an Italian restaurant to eat, alone, amongst many happy, loving couples.  I felt like a real loser, but having my faithful dog by my side made me feel a little bit better (the more I get to know men, the more I love my dog!).

I decided to send him a text, telling him that I felt really disappointed that he didn't plan anything special, by this time it was already 9 pm and my meal was on its way. He called me 20 minutes later to say, "Amor, what do you mean?  I was waiting for you to call, I prepared a surprise for you, something special that I made with my hands, don't you dare stand me up."  Stand you up??!!  Ya right, the day is almost over and I'm eating alone, I hardly doubt he had any surprise planned.  He shows up at the restaurant around 10pm, I was fuming.  He gave me a rose with a poem that he wrote attached to it, I told him I would read it later.  As we walked home at a distance from each other, he asked me what was wrong.  I had a puss-on face, not happy that he didn't plan anything romantic, and told him, "You are the man, you are supposed to plan something special for the lady on this day".  He got all offended and said, "I'm not one of those Mexican men who bow down to the woman and treat her like a princess, you think you are sooooo special, you're not like the last bottle of water on the island honey, yet you want to be treated like you are someone special, maybe you should date someone who works in an office, they are more obedient".  Then he continues on complaining that it cost him 80 pesos to take a taxi to come see me (I paid for the dinner which he ate half of), and that I wasn't worth the 80 pesos!  I offered to give him money for the taxi and he got offended.  Then he grabbed the rose out of my purse and angrily started tearing off the petals and ripping up the poem and threw everything in the garbage bin in the street and walked away grumbling something about "spending one week writing a poem for a crazy person".

I’m actually afraid to see him again, for fear he might have me arrested for breaking his heart!

I'm grateful that I have a great friend who came over to make me laugh and get me out of my Mexicoma today.  She brought her son and while he was in the bathroom I recounted the evening to her. When he came out, he had missed a few parts of the funny Valentine's Day story and wanted to hear more and he basically summed it up to this: "And she didn't live happily ever after!"  Kids can sure make you laugh, my niece also said about my relationship stories, "Once you get the guy going, it ends bad kind of like a burnt muffin".  Awwwww mi vida!  Why are they so darn intelligent?!

Dating in Mexico has been a challenge, mostly because I seem to attract married or emotionally unavailable men, psychos or stalkers, but as my dating guru says, "Why should that affect my confidence? Just because he's a stalker, it doesn't mean he has bad taste!"

I'm Nobody's Bank!

Lately I’m tired of poor people, and people who don’t want to work…and I'm not talking about the "real" poor people in Mexico who are struggling to work 2 jobs to feed their families tortillas and rice, I'm talking about all these foreign runaways and con-artists, who end up in the City of Broken Hearts and somehow adopt this “mañana” lifestyle attitude of play hard, work not.

My best friend (who lives entirely on donations) recently called me up and suggested we go out for lunch: "We can go somewhere cheap and split a meal?”  No, I don’t want to split a hamburger, I want a whole meal!

The boyfriend has gone one week without credit on his phone and said he lost his bank card.  He lives day to day, peso to peso.  I say to him, “How can you live like that, don't you have any savings or credit card?”  I was talking with a Canadian friend of mine who also had a boyfriend who used to call his bank and ask why his card was not working.  I told her, “I doubt there was anyone on the line, it’s all a made-up story to get us to pay for them”.  Then my friend said, “In Canada, we just don’t live like that, we have credit cards when we run out of money, it’s just a different lifestyle here”. Then she asks, “Do you know any people with money here?”  I said, “Let me think….no!”  

I used to give my ex-boyfriend a hard time when he didn’t want to tip or pay for his meal, and I would say, “Don’t be so cheap!”  And he would throw up his hands in despair and in his broken English he would respond completely innocent, “It's not because I'm cheap, it’s because I don’t have”.

I’ve had 5 grown, able men ask me to lend them money ~ I’m not a bank!

I went on a date awhile back for a coffee and as history repeats itself, he didn't have any money!!  I show up and he didn't respond to my last text because he said he had no credit and not even 20 pesos for the weekend....then he proceeds to tell me that his ex has a restraining order against him, he's completely broke and hasn't had a job in 5 years, and was thrown in jail by his ex-business partner...it was like one explosion after another.  I appreciated his honesty but…the man should know this is not going to impress a woman!

Then later he says, "You could buy me a coffee?"

I said, "No, I don't maintain men."

I'm so tired of this type of man, just looking for a foreigner to pay for them.

He says, "You look like a rich heiress from Vancouver.  I'm hoping a nice kind soul will lend me some money to get through the weekend.” I'm thinking, Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Ok, maybe I do need to dress down a bit, maybe not look so nice?

I told him, “I’m really sorry that happened to you and I hope things get better for you”.  I never offered to pay for him, we sat outside at the coffee shop and didn't drink anything.

I’m growing a thick skin now and have a very low tolerance for BS these days.  Seriously, who invites a woman out that has no money to even buy a coffee?  I won’t even pay for my friends anymore ~ why should I live with less coz they don’t want to work?

Then he says to me, "I'm really good at sales, I can sell you anything"...and in my mind I'm thinking, Well, you sure haven't sold yourself to me yet!!!

Desperado...Why Don't You Come To Your Senses?

"Love is patient, love is kind...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends."  Except in Playa del Carmen.

There are two kinds of men in the City of Broken Hearts ~ the Disappearing Man and the Desperate Man.

Why do men leave?  Why did he disappear?  Did he see something in my medicine cabinet?  I didn’t mention my ex, I didn’t talk about kids or marriage (none of which I want anyways), I was fun, sexy, spontaneous, adventurous, I followed all of Matthew Hussey’s moves - what went wrong? Did my hair go flat?

How come men can't come away from a date and let it have a natural flow, let it unfold, and not have to get desperate or disappear?  Men can be the desperate ones these days, yearning for commitment, and women are running like there is a fire!  Men either want forever the first night or they disappear.  Why can't they just be normal and let the relationship proceed in its own natural way?  They start texting me incessantly, one even said he didn’t think he could breathe without me in his life, oh cielos, he was 55 years old!  This really scares women.  How come there is no middle ground?

I guess this all comes from my recent work in weddings, every day I see these people's images and I think, How are all these people getting together when I can't even get a date for a Friday night?  

I get asked a lot, “How is it possible that you are still single?”  It’s an easy answer: Because I want to be.  

If I meet one more guy who says he's in a "complicated relationship"…..what does this mean exactly?  I think Facebook started a trend with this term and people use it so loosely.  I have never said this, you are either with someone or you're not, can someone clarify this?  Because I just met this guy who is really great and then he lays it on me after we kissed that he's in a “complicated relationship” that he doesn't want to talk about.  So I'm thinking, he must have a kid with her or be separated.  When I found out the only thing complicated about it was that she went to visit a sick parent in another city, I told him, “I'm not willing to share you with another woman” and his response to that was "Me gusta compartir contigo” (Translation: I like to share myself with you) and I said, "We can share a taxi, or a pizza even, but not a BJ!" And he said, "OK, let's go for a pizza?!!"  Is "complicated" just a loop-hole for "FYI I have a girlfriend but I'm not happy so it's okay that I'm cheating?"

I was recently in a taxi and the trip was going to be about 30 minutes, so I figure I might as well make the most of it and chat up the driver. My friend pipes up in the back: “She’s always trying to get a date..." Well, I suppose this is somewhat true, it's like saying "Oh of course I don't want a boyfriend or a serious relationship" but with our attitudes and things we say it's like we have on our forehead a big big label saying "I'm so desperate, I'll take anyone/anything." 

But we do live in the "catch and release" capital of the world!  Most of my dates will only last 2-3 and then I just release the hook and throw them back in the ocean.  And as each relationship ends, I just smile and say, "Oh well, I’ll just have to keep living in paradise, be single, and remember there are plenty of fish in the sea!"

Lost in Translation - Part 2

Life is colorful, but very frugal in the village of Ek Balam.  I was invited here recently by my closest peeps to go on a Christian mission to this Mayan village where she works as a missionary.  

I’m not Christian.  Rather, I consider myself “spiritual".  I don’t belong to any one church, but am open to all, and have attended many Catholic and Christian churches for long periods of time, and have even explored Buddhism.  I definitely believe in one God, my God, the one who dwells inside of me but I don’t believe you have to go to church to have a relationship with Him.  So when I learned that I would have to sign a waiver before going, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable, knowing that my chief duty was photographer and second duty translator and not knowing what I might encounter in between.  One of the agreements in the waiver was:

“I commit to be a witness of the love of Jesus to the people we meet all throughout the trip.  I will do what is asked of me, even if it is uncomfortable”.

I’m not a rules girl, and when I read another one of the rules “I will not go off on my own at anytime during the mission trip” I knew I wouldn’t be able to sign it!  I’m a wanderer and don’t follow rules.  I decided to toss out the waiver and just go with an open heart and a positive attitude and go with the flow.

I knew there was a possibility that I would have to translate prayers for the villagers from English into Spanish, which made me a little bit uncomfortable as I have never prayed in groups nor in Spanish before.  I also knew that this princess might have to get dirty and pound some nails (er pour concrete?) to finish the school cafeteria so that the children can have better nutrition. I ended up doing all of this and more, even giving a mini massage course to a Mayan lady.

To be honest, I was most excited about the delicious food that the Mayans would prepare for us ~ these Mayan ladies are real pioneers who literally keep the home fires constantly burning.  I connected a lot with these ladies as it was similar to how I grew up on the farm ~ they live off the land and they make everything from scratch - they boil the harvested corn cobs with “Cal”, a toxic white substance used in construction, to make it softer, then they wash it and set it out to dry and then grind it to make tortillas.  Most of the villagers do not eat meat because of the poverty and mostly eat tortillas, beans and rice as their main staples.  I must have ate about 12 tortillas a day, we just don’t get these in the city!  I also got to take home a few coconuts from the tree on their property.  They also prepared an amazing hot cocoa with cinnamon for cold nights after dinner, which I learned they also toast the cocoa beans, then grind them and mix them into a paste with cinnamon, flatten it into a tablet the size of your palm and then heat milk and dissolve the tablet into the milk.

Homemade cocoa and cinnamon tablets and
dried squash shell is used to keep tortillas warm on the table 

Pumpkin with honey baked and served in the hard shell of the pumpkin

What I ended up experiencing was nothing scary or uncomfortable at all ~ just ordinary people, who wanted to go to the Mayan’s straw huts and just simply “love them up”, ask about their lives, what struggles they are faced with daily ~ not having enough food or medicine to provide for their families, dealing with severe illnesses and handicapped children, then offer up a warm hug and a prayer for them, and it turned out to be a lot of fun just sharing the love!  One thing I learned is that a smile and a hug in any language, be it Mayan, Spanish or English, all means the same!

The highlight of my trip was this one house visit I did with a Christian couple to the home of a woman who had fallen 2 years ago and hurt her knee and has not been able to walk since.  She has gained weight as a result of this and lives in constant pain and spends most of her days in a hammock resting while her family harvests beans to feed her family.  It’s amazing how much body language can speak because as I was introducing us and asking her how she was feeling, I was sure that she was understanding me and responding in Spanish, but her son assured us she does not understand or speak Spanish, only Mayan, so he was translating for us, then I translated to the Christian couple in English.  We got a bit lost in translation when the son told me that his mom goes out walking with the “burro” out back.  Burro means donkey, so I was explaining to them that she goes walking with a donkey every day and they were wondering, where is the donkey, what’s his name?  He pointed to the backyard.  They thought this was a bit odd, but me living in Mexico for a long time, and knowing many people have donkeys as pets, didn’t think much of it, until we figured out that a “burro” can also mean a medical walker!  We had quite a chuckle about this over dinner, how they were so surprised that she goes walking with a donkey everyday, thinking how would this work, did the donkey hold her up, when it was obvious she could barely move from her hammock.  While we prayed for her, I grabbed her leg and started massaging it and giving her some Reiki healing and the Christian couple thought that it was so odd (they didn’t know I was a massage therapist), later at dinner they said it would never occur to them to just pick up someone’s foot and start massaging it!  I guess that’s one of the occupational hazards, when I know someone is hurting, I just wanna help them!

Then we noticed that she had a small tray under her hammock with ashes and they told us that in cold months such as these they make a little fire to keep her warm at night.  This takes on a new meaning for “hot buns”.  The Mayans never sleep in beds, since birth they have been accustomed to this, even sleeping with their husband or wife in the same hammock.  I find it a challenge to even share a bed with someone, let alone a hammock!

Making these colorful hammocks is actually easier than knitting!

How Mayans have fun in the village:
working in a team to get one person to the top of a greased pole to retrieve a flag for a prize

I think the Mayans are starting to grow on me, as much as I don’t do hammocks (only for naps on the beach after eating myself into a Mexicoma) and I love hot showers, I got more accomplished in 30 hours in this tiny village than I have accomplished at home in one week!

Plan B = Burrito Day

There are a lot of beautiful things about Mexico.  Being late isn't one of them.  Being stood up isn't one of them.  It's just a small sacrifice for living in paradise...

I was having a discussion with my neighbor the other day and he's been here long enough to know better but I suspect he hasn't completely adjusted or fully understood the complexity of the Mexican disappearing act.  We got talking about how they don't answer their phones or text messages and he says perplexed, "When you send a text that says 'Hey, how are you doing, how was your day?', there should be an answer, shouldn't there?!"  The little wrinkle above his brow was furrowing.  He continued on, "And if you make plans with them, you need a Plan B all the time, which is so low."

So I ask him, "Why do you continue to date Mexicans when the experience can be so devastatingly painful and leave you feeling rejected all the time?"

He replies, “Because I’m in Mexico....and....um, there are a lot of them?!”  Hmmm....good, logical answer, but that would not be my reason.  I date them because they are the most passionate, loving and incredibly attentive individuals on the planet ~ the Mexican culture is a passionate one - definitely. They love hard, fight hard, work hard.  

Then he continues on, "When I meet up with a Mexican, now I set up a Plan B at my favourite routine places, and the last time I had a date they didn't show up but it was Burrito Day so I didn't mind!" 

Then I realized, no one had told him about the end of love in the City of Broken Hearts, or rather the lack of even the start of love here...or as my good friend expressed how her relationship unfolded here in Mexico: "I didn't fall in love, I fell into depression...when I have more fun with a guy in a wheelchair, you know there's a problem!"  It's sad to say this but nowadays we live in a disposable world even talking about interpersonal relationships.

There are many things I will never understand about Mexicans...why they blare the A/C in taxis and buses when it's rainy season and cold, why there are no sidewalks, why it takes them a year to pave the street over and over outside my apartment, why they don't answer their phones, why they can never be on time, why there are only 3 electrical plug-ins in my whole apartment and why they are not in a well-designed place, why they allow construction to go until 11pm at night and sometimes will start jackhammering at 2:30am, why they have roosters in the city, why they don't use their turning signals while driving, why they don't have seatbelts in the cars, why they don't have toilet seats, and then I wonder, could it be possible that they too are in Mexicomas?

Bloom Where You Are Planted

 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways to leave this plane" - this was the captain speaking on my plane ride today.  In the past I would have been looking for any way to leave this plane and stay in Canada. 
But now, fast forward 12 years later and I am so excited to be heading back "home" to Mexico.  

I didn't cry this time.  Instead I am joyful to go back to the simple life, unbridled by materialism, riding my bicycle, going for walks on the beach, even the daunting task of cleaning up the mold and mildew left after the storms kind of excites me.  But most of all I'm especially eager to get back to the never-ending excitement and challenge of dating emotionally unavailable men who are already in complicated relationships on Facebook!  I am faced with going back to loneliness, an empty fridge, no one waiting for me, my small apartment, no pitter patter of any little feet and no daily free hugs but I get by with a little help from my friends.

I'm grateful for the way I grew up - wholesome, organic, grounded, close to nature, and grateful for where I have ended up now - blooming in a country that is not mine.  I see how adventurous I've become since living in Mexico, how I survived living here completely on my own, long after my Mexican boyfriend left.  Going to Canada has made me incredibly grateful for the lifestyle I have when I see my friends who have to commute 2 hours to work everyday, get in their cars to drive to the gym, live in the rain, deal with hectic traffic and spend hours shopping every Sunday at the mall!  It reminds me of that Shania Twain song, Ka-ching: "All they ever want is more, a lot more than they had before, so take them to the nearest store!"


Today I can honestly say that Mexico is the BEST thing that ever happened to me.  We don't always get what we planned for our lives.  As much as I resisted and was barely holding on most days, I've always thought of myself quite like the salmon, the one who swims against the current.  My life turned out so much better because I took the road less travelled, and because I didn't give up, and because I took a chance that even if it didn't work out, the gain if it did was so much greater.  I read a great quote the other day: "If you're not careful you'll get lost here and find that where you end up is better than where you had planned to go".  I now see the signs all around me, that I am right where I am supposed to be, blooming where I am planted.

But one thing I know for sure is...not all those who wander are lost.

On Canadian Time

For the first time in a long time, I am wearing a watch again.  It feels weird on my wrist, sort of like a gnawing reminder that now I must always know what time it is and have no excuses for running late, but while in Canada, I must be punctual!

Everything is just easy in Canada - banking, the post office, anything to do with government, everything is so organized.  If you have ever lived in Mexico, you may have noticed that everything is such a mess, er well to put it nicely ~ a real challenge for people to help you out at banks, customer service counters, etc.  I still haven't been able to get my new bank card from the city I used to live in, even after I authorized them to give the card to a family member who was travelling there and could bring it for me, they denied it because I didn't send the original letter, only the copy.  They have been holding my money and I have no access to it.  I must still be in Mexico because I enjoy a challenge!  

Customer service is something to be reveled at in Canada - the people genuinely really care about you and that you have a good experience in their store or restaurant.  I think that they might actually lose sleep over it if you are not happy and satisfied!  My sister and I were at our favourite restaurant and we had to wait a bit longer than normal for our food, but it was a full house and we were busy chatting, so we didn't mind.  We didn't even complain but after our meal, the manager came over and said, "We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform well for you and we're so sorry we didn't achieve that today for you, lunch is on us" - this would NEVER happen in Mexico!  You will get bad service and bad food and still have to pay for it.  I once ordered a tea at a cafe that I frequently visit in Mexico and it came very weak and with hardly any flavour, when I complained to the waitress that this was not how it normally was prepared she simply said, "Well, that's the way we serve it, take it or leave it!", turned her heels and didn't come back to the table.

But there is just one thing that is disconcerting….there is no 10% tip option in Canada on the debit machines at restaurants, only 15, 20 and 25%!!!  I’m like, “Where the heck is the 10% button?”  I quickly realized that my pesitos do not go very far in Canada!  Do people really tip as much as 25% to service workers in Canada for simply doing their jobs? This makes me grateful to be in Mexico!

We also got pulled over by a policeman and after a bit of scolding he empathetically said, "I'm not a traffic cop, so I'm going to let you off with a warning only, but just so you know, you could have been fined $400 dollars today, have a nice day now!"  In Mexico, they would never let you off with a warning.  Although they won't normally stop you for speeding in Mexico, as there are no real speed limits there, but for silly things like a headlight missing or for carrying extra-large boxes in the back of your car, you will have to give them some pesitos to let you go.

And while in Canada I have these silly "lost in translation days" where I will think in Spanish but speak in English and say, "We are going to the house of Ana" and my sister will say, "Why do you speak like that?"

I had a good chuckle when I eavesdropped one day on a random stranger's conversation about getting the Moctezuma's Revenge in Mexico:  "One minute I'm on the malecon sipping a corona and trying to learn silly Spanish and the next minute I'm in the hospital - it just shows you how quickly your life can change”.  I sure can relate to that!

My favourite thing to do in Canada is take long walks down the isles of the grocery stores...I just sigh and am in awe at how crisp and fresh everything is.  I bought these yams that were so lovely, no wrinkled skin, no moldy holes, not wilty, and of course fresh lettuces and homemade breads, oh my I'm in heaven!  The grocery stores in Mexico will sell really old, brown and wilted produce, you get used to it and accept the fact that all the good stuff gets exported to the 1st world countries and the crappy stuff stays there.

Canada

Mexico

Canada

Mexico

But would I give it all up and move home?  Nah, I like the adventure of being in a Mexicoma.  Although, I would like to get one of these signs:

I was at my niece's school the other day and they have signs up everywhere that say "Nut-free Zone", "No Nuts Allowed" with a big cross through them, I was tempted to ask the lady in the office cutting up those little signs if I could have one for my apartment door, if only we had that rule in the City of Broken Hearts my life would be a lot easier!