Happy Endings

Everybody likes a happy ending, except when you are a massage therapist…

As a therapist, this comes up a lot in conversations with random people I meet. Many people have asked me if I have fantasized about giving a happy ending to a client.  I had to ponder about this for a moment...of course sometimes I get a gorgeous, dark man with a "cuerpazo" and it's definitely crossed my mind, I'm not going to lie, but the single, handsome ones never ask!  It's ALWAYS the married, unattractive ones!  And I do sometimes feel pheromones/chemistry with certain people, but would I do it?  Absolutely not!  I have always maintained professional and would never cross that line.  But sometimes it even happens without any contact or intention from the client, if you know what I mean!  I'll just be massaging their leg and all of a sudden, POP, guy grabs his leg and bends it up by his waist, I'm thinking I've hit a sore spot and I say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, are you getting a cramp?"  He says, "Yes, yes" then he puts the leg down.  It wasn't until I got to the other leg that I smelled something I knew too well that could only be….yes, that's right there was a big wet spot on the sheet!  Thank goodness the massage was near the end.  I was certain he was not a pervert at all as he was not touching himself or even excited, I think he was just one of those men who are super sensitive to touch.

I was talked into doing an in-suite massage once at 10:30pm, I told my boss that I didn't feel good about it but she said that he was a very busy business man and had only requested the late hour because he was in meetings late and that he was a well-respected, repeat client and if there were any problems I could call the butler. Against my intuition, I agreed to do it and showed up armed with my pepper spray. I knew right away it was a mistake when he told me he wanted to use his own towel to cover himself, which was a tiny sash (more like a scarf really) that barely covered his buttocks.  As soon as the client tells you that they don't want to be covered during the massage, you know that there is going to be a problem.  He didn't outright ask for a happy ending, but he did brush my leg once with his arm, was it by mistake?  Then when I was massaging his legs he asked me to go "mas adentro".  When the massage was over he even tried to touch my uniform, claiming that he liked the fabric and had regular therapists come to his home and would like to get them similar uniforms!  The whole time I kept asking myself, "What am I doing here at 11pm? This sends the wrong message of what type of therapist I am".  And I have only worked at the most luxurious, high-end hotels, not any shady massage parlour places.  I've had men ask in a subtle way for the "masaje integral", "masaje total relax", or straight out ask me to give them a little tug.  Another man wanted to sit on a chair in the corner and watch as I massaged his wife!  One coworker was offered a big bag of money while the wife slept upstairs in the room!

I used to have a boutique spa and my policy was ladies only.  On occasion I would get requests from my regular clients to massage their husbands. They knew it was against my policy but they would still try to persuade me, saying, "It's okay, he's my husband, nothing would happen."  I didn't have the heart to say to them, "Honey, the married ones are usually the perverts!"  My sister recently confirmed this by saying to me "married men are the worst and easiest to attract, they are hungry tigers!"

And it's not always the men who want happy endings either...recently a coworker and I were attending a lady for a 4-hands massage.  During the foot ritual before the massage, she asked if she could take off her robe, we both looked at each other and didn't say a word.  When we came back in the room, she was lying down naked with no sheet on top of her.  I think she wanted us to double-team her!  

Massage is not really a respected profession in Mexico, some of my friends won't even divulge that they are massage therapists, they tell people instead that they are cosmetologists.

Is there a fine line between massage and prostitution?  Are we giving out the message that we could go either way/cross the line after a massage?

Any comments, as a man or woman, how many of you go for a massage with the intention of asking or secretly would like to ask for a happy ending?

In Mexicoma Super Sick

Tim McGraw wrote a song about being in a mexicoma, but I'm guessing it didn't make it to the top of the charts, as many people do not understand me when I ask them if they were in a mexicoma.  I decided to research the definition of mexicoma and found these definitions online in the Urban Dictionary:

1.  The state of being so completely full of Mexican food, you feel like you're going to pass out.

i.e.:  I just ate a huge burrito at La Costeña, I think I'm going to slip into a mexicoma. Ugh.

2.  The sleepy feeling you get after consuming an exorbitant amount of Mexican food.

i.e.:  After I ate an enchilada platter, two baskets of chips and pozole in one sitting I felt like I was in a mexicoma.

3.  A disoriented state usually preceded by a rough night of partying in Mexico.

i.e.:  Joe: We were in downtown Cancun at Coco Bongo until 5am, it's insane over there.
Kerry: It's 2 in the afternoon, where is everyone now?
Joe: They're in their rooms suffering from mexicomas. 

4.  The state of being you get on May 6th after drinking on Cinco de Mayo.

i.e.:  Jim was so out of it today, suffering from the mexicoma he sustained from drinking at the Mexican themed bar last night.

If you get sick, it's better to go to work and suffer through than to deal with the local public hospital.  If you miss a day for illness, you must provide your employer with a doctor's note, and here there is only one place for employees to go, a lovely place called "Instituto Mexicano Seguro Social" aka IMSS.  I think this must REALLY stand for "In Mexicoma Super Sick".  This is one place you don't ever want to go in Mexico, you will wait all day just to get stand-by status, and when you have a fever of 40 degrees and feel like passing out, it's not a place you want to spend 5 hours trying to see a doctor on stand-by in 30 degrees humid weather!  There are plenty of private clinics and hospitals where you can pay to see a doctor for 300-500 pesos, but employers won't recognize this for your payroll.

Would you trust a hospital that can't afford to replace a missing letter?

Loony Bin With An Ocean View?

I came to the City of Broken Hearts with my Canadian spirit, always trusting, always wanting to help people and welcome them into my home.  I've had a few unfortunate situations happen to me because of it.  My friends say that here you cannot trust anyone, there are a lot of drugs, con artists and crazy people that will tell you anything to try to get into your house and then they rob you blind.  There is a saying that is famous here among locals that this place is "un manicomio con vista del mar" which translates into "a loony bin with an ocean view".  

I once saw a woman fall onto the pavement outside my apt., she didn't get up.  I went down to see if she was okay, we ended up talking for awhile; she was heartbroken, had lost everything, I identified with her, held her, cried with her, was almost ready to invite her into my house to have a coffee.  After one hour of talking and consoling her, she snatched my phone right from under my nose and took off running.  My friends had warned me never to help anyone, but my thought is, when you see a woman completely unconcious in the street, how can you just ignore that?  Wouldn't your heartstrings be pulled?  I would feel much worse walking by and not doing anything to help.  So, how do you get someone out of their mexicoma?  My friends say the best thing you can do for someone is give them a kick to get them out of their mexicoma ~ how terrible are my friends?

Destiny put another test to me, I was walking along the beach one day when I saw a young guy rolling around in the shores of the ocean.  Thinking he was just having a good time playing in the sand, I pretty much stepped right over him (very Seinfeld-like)!  A nice older man came by and pulled him out of the water.  It turned out that he was in a complete drunken state.  Thank goodness there are still angels out there who care!

I have witnessed random crazy people who invent a story that their daughter is being held by police in her car the next block over and that they need to borrow a small amount of cash, just 200 pesos, to pay the police officer to let her go.  There are a lot of street hustlers here who live off conning the foreigners.  After awhile you become immune to all the B.S. stories and start to lose your empathy.

Valladolid

If you travel to the Mayan Riviera, most likely you are going to feel the need to escape the touristy traps. After awhile you will feel like you are still in the United States ~ everything is pretty expensive, dollars are accepted everywhere and with the exception to Tulum, there isn't much culture this side of the jungle.  If you are going to Chichen Itza and want to experience an authentic Mexican colonial city with cobblestone streets and spend 1/4 of the price for touristy items, Valladolid has everything to offer you.  It's probably one of the most frugal cities you could travel to, offering many things to do that are free or almost free.  One of the things that makes this city truly unique is that instead of park benches, they have installed white chairs that face each other in the downtown square, so you can sit with your loved one facing each other to talk.

How to Get Here

2.5 hour bus ride from Playa del Carmen with ADO bus will cost you 176 pesos one way.

Where to Stay

La Candelaria Hostel ~ I absolutely adore this little gem of a place, located in a quiet courtyard with a beautiful sitting room for reading or taking a nap, within a few blocks to downtown.  A private room with a shared bathroom will cost you 180 pesos per person per night, 100 pesos for a shared dorm room, includes breakfast (fresh fruit with yogurt and granola, cereal, toast, coffee, tea).  As this is a very popular little place, I recommend you make a reservation online or by calling

Tel. 985-856-2267

La Candelaria Hostel

What to do

Pack a lunch and do the 4-hour bicycle tour of the Mayan villages and cenotes - the hostel rents the bikes for 15 pesos an hour and gives you a map to follow, highlighting all the best things to see.  You will feel free like Liz Gilbert in Bali riding your bike on the scenic country paths with butterflies and wild flowers surrounding you.  As you bike through the Mayan villages, little children will run out to greet you as you pass their stores.  You can stop for a cold beer and pickled chicharron snacks in the village of Chichimila.  I would avoid the touristy cenotes like Dzitnip, you will see many smaller ones on the map along the way.  My favorite cenote is called Xla-Kaj close to Chichimila, it's less touristy and you may have the whole place to yourself like I did. $25 pesos entrance fee.

Typical Mayan house in the village

Mayan store in the village

Cenote XLA'KAJ

There are great things to see and do downtown as well, that have no entry fee, such as:

Chocolate Museum ~ see Mayan ladies working in action to transform cocoa beans into chocolate for baking and sample chocolate fused with tequila, chile, cinnamon, vanilla, etc.  There is no cost to do the tour but you won't be able to leave without buying some of the delicious balls of chocolate!

Convento de San Bernardino

Tequila Tasting Museum ~ see how they make tequila and sample different kinds of tequila.  I found this tequila ridiculously expensive and would not recommend purchasing this brand, you can find many tequila brands that are cheaper and just as good in the supermarket.  But it's fun to see how they process tequila and get your afternoon happy hour buzz on for free!

Where to eat

I really can't recommend a place yet, still looking...ask the hostel for recommendations, but this looks pretty good: