Temporarily Out of Mexicoma

"Be grateful for marriage" - That was my response when I arrived at my sister's home in Canada a few weeks ago for vacation.  I opened her fridge and said, "Wow, what a difference from a single person's fridge!" - it was totally stocked!  Then I went straight for the liquor cabinet for my "welcome home" drink, and found an abundance of unopened bottles of booze.  I said, "I love being in married people's homes, they have every kind of liquor you can imagine!" (because they don't drink as often as single people I suppose, or maybe they just don't have time?).

I've underestimated the kindness of Canadians.  I often complain that Canadians are boring, too disciplined, not adventurous and not-so-friendly.  On my morning walks in the city or riding on the metro, most people are tuned out with their headphones on, looking down at their phone and won't look up to see my smiling face and rarely say hello unless I say it first.  So I amuse myself by imagining little scenarios to get their attention.  Mostly, I dream up things like ambushing them with a WWE wrestling hold or extreme dives, somersaults, running up behind them for a leap frog piggy back.  It’s not likely I will ever act on these fantasies, but they do keep me smiling while everyone else is disconnected.  I'm just used to Mexicans who are always in the present moment, who acknowledge me, look me in the eye and say, "Buenos Dias, how's your day?"

But today that all changed.  I was walking in the small retirement community of my parents, Population: 1,000 (that's including cows and deer) when we came across a man out walking his dog who had a sign outside his home that said, "Honey for sale".  I asked him, "Do you really sell honey here?"  His eyes lit up and he started talking about his real passion - bee keeping, then invited us in for a cold Cariboo Genuine Draft beer and sat us down to watch a documentary on June the Honey Bee…I was so impressed how these country folks just welcomed us into their living room and they don't even lock their doors at night.  I miss this type of trust and hospitality that Canadians have.  I caught myself counting my change at the store the other day and then I realized, "Oh, I don't have to do that because the people are honest here".

Deer are friendly and walk around freely in the backyards of people's homes

My Mexican friend explains it this way: I grew up surrounded by rainbows, unicorns, nature, lakes and waterfalls, and in Mexico she grew up with crime, corruption, poverty, garbage and pollution.

I just love these country folks, they're always bringing over saskatoon and rhubarb pies, tending to their gardens or spending all their free time making jam or canning vegetables and the people are so fat here!  

One of the neighbours asked me where I lived and when I told her she threw back her head in laughter and said, "Oh ya, everyone runs off to get married in Mexico, either that or to get killed!!!!"  Then she proceeded to tell me about the Canadian guy who fell off a balcony at a Mexican resort and they found him in a tree upside down "dead as a gnat" ~ these are stories I have to hear over and over about Mexico.  My advice to them is always the same: "Just don't lean on any balconies".

The 3-D Years

I'm not ugly.  I consider myself attractive.  At least I've never had to beg a man to touch me, nor worry that he may steal from me, until now.  In the City of Broken Hearts, this has become quite the norm for me…I'm afraid I will never feel again that deep love that is unspoken and shared between two people - true love, passion, trust, friendship, laughter, fun.  Lately I'm just missing holding someone and feeling that unspoken trust between two people, not worrying are they going to rob me or take advantage of me?

I've been trying to come up with my worst dating story in the history of living here and I've been really holding off on writing about this but sometimes I cannot believe that a man like this actually exists...this guy really takes the prize…he's a real piece of work!

Here you can date any nationality that you wish, but I can tell you, they're all the same, they all want a woman to maintain them.

So our first date, we agreed to meet at a cheap place on a Wednesday night, it was ladies night so they have 15 peso wine and tapas (my "pretendiente" chose the place).  When we met there, the restaurant was closed.  The first thing out of his mouth was, "Well, you're rich, you can invite me somewhere nice?" (FYI: "invite" in Spanish translates into "you will pay for me"...this is why I'm single).  I said, "No, I don't maintain men, but I know of a great place where we can get 60 peso tortas."  "60 Pesos???!!!" He replies with horror on his face. "Oh no, that's way out of my budget".  I suggest another alternative, 18 pesos pizza by my house?  He agrees, so after I suggest we go to the beach and he says, "Oh no, I have tennis shoes on and I don't think it's really safe to go at night and you might take advantage of me".  So I'm thinking, Where's your sense of adventure?  You don't have any money, so what else are we gonna go?  We ended up making out on the beach and he of course wanted everything the first night (a common trait among men here).  I told him I wanted to get to know him better, and didn't he also?  He said flat out, "No, I don't want to get to know you better, why?  In my country we have sex like eating, it's just a daily activity for us".  So he refused to continue kissing and pulled away and pulled out a word that I am getting used to hearing….wait for it….he said I was "complicated".

As women, we read a lot of magazine articles that tell us that we should hold off on having sex, that men will think we are too easy and lose interest, and that we are not enough of a challenge if we give in too soon, but if we don't now we are labelled "complicated".  What gives?

So he took me to another bar that had ladies night, smart guy right, so he doesn't have to pay for me, but little did he know I don't drink much so I ordered a water!  He asks me, "Look around, aren't there any guys here you're interested in?"  I reply, "No, I'm interested in you, stupid idiot!"  He says, "No, you're too complicated of a woman, we are just gonna be friends."

So then he says (while rolling his eyes):  "I suppose you want me to walk you home, where do you live?"  When I tell him the address, he says, "All the way down there?!!  It's so faaaaar…I'll do it if you pay for my taxi home after."  (it's a 10 min. walk).  I thought men like to be the protectors, don't they?  I've never had a man refuse to walk me home!

Date No. 2: we go to his house for tacos on his terrace, as he lives in a sketchy neighborhood with lots of stray biting dogs, I asked him to accompany me to the main road (I had my bike to get home this time) and he was complaining again, that he was tired, I mean come on!  He acts like I'm asking too much!

Date No. 3: we agreed to go to that cheap place again, when texting I mentioned that I was working late and he texted back, "Oh, you worked today? Good, then you can pay for your own dinner".  There was no need for this attitude, I'm anything but a gold digger and so far had only cost him a slice of pizza and some tacos!  This time he was telling me how cute he thought the hostess was and where did she go?  And that why is it that when I'm with him, all of a sudden there are so many beautiful women to talk to, and when he goes out alone there is no one?  Then he tells me not to walk so close to him, that people might think we are a couple.  He's acting all aloof, like we are just friends.

So we have our first fight, I tell him I'm taking a taxi home, he says, "Good, then you won't ask me to walk you home!" (like it's so far, lazy ass).  He pulls my hand and says, "Come on, you have to come to this party, at least be educated and say goodbye to my friends, you are a polite lady".  I said, "No, actually I have pilates in the morning and then I have to work".  He says, "Oh and you HAVE to go to pilates? Come on, you are out with me having fun, why are you like this?"

I'm thinking, Because I'd rather sleep more and go to pilates than spend one more minute with you!  I texted him later that I was disappointed that he isn't affectionate with me in public, to which he replied, "Sorry, but I'm not used to being attached with anyone in public."  It's not like I wanted to define the relationship, but a little touch on the shoulder or kiss to acknowledge that I am present would be appreciated.

Date No. 4: we go for dinner on the beach, I mention how excited I am about buying a new camera.  He says, "Why didn't you tell me you were looking for a camera, I would have stolen you one and you give me the money"  (I thought he was joking).  The thing that irks me is that he did nothing to impress me apart from his charm and good looks.  It was all about what can I do for him.  This certain nationality is known for it's culinary expertise, so I asked him when he would cook for me, he says, "No, I have to buy too many things, another time, why don't you cook for me?"  Then said, "When are you going to give me a massage?"  Then another time, "I'm hoping to go to my country when someone can buy me a ticket".

I've never been so turned on sexually but at the same time so repulsed by someone mentally.  I invited him to my apartment, thinking, To hell with it - at least we can have sex, considering the staggering amount of chemistry I felt with him.  I'm touching him all night, caressing him, want to be close, he says he can't sleep so close to me, that he is hot, when I touch his hand he pulls away.  I woke once in the night to him pulling the small blanket off me slowly to cover himself!  He complains upon awakening that I woke him up at 6am when I touched his back.  There was no good morning kiss.  I made him coffee and crepes and he looked perplexed and said, "Are these integral crepes?" (not very impressed I could tell).  Then he says, "I like your place, the only thing I don't like is the toilet seat, if I find one I will steal you one".

I said, "You steal things?!!!  Why?"  He says, "To get money to pay my bills".  This was the last straw.  OK, I'm used to dating poor men, but now I have to worry about men stealing from me?!!

Then he said, "We should leave the building separately because everyone knows me around here, I will go out first then you leave a few minutes later".

His last words were, "Did I leave anything behind?"  

I whispered, "Just your bad energy".

The only reason I can think of for continuing to see him is that I must have been in my 3-D years:  Desperate, Delusional and in Denial.  Or still in a Mexicoma?!